Ash-Strong: A Love for the Ages: Act 3, Scene 4

Ash-Strong: A Love For the Ages

Act 3, Scene 4

The Streets of New York City

Ashley:

Lance, wait!

Lance:

Look, you half-person, I’m sorry, but I can’t talk to you right now.

Ashley:

What?! (Shrieks) Half Person? What are you talking about?

Lance:

I’m talking about what you are. You’re half of a person. You’re even the size of half of a person.

Ashley:

Why are you acting this way?

Lance:

Because it’s the truth!

Ashley:

I don’t believe you. There must be some other reason for you to say such…such hurtful things to a person!

Lance:

There’s no reason to speak the truth, other than because it’s the truth. The truth needs no motive. It simply exists.

Ashley:

Well, this isn’t true. I’m not a half-person. I’m a whole person, same as you!

Lance bursts into soulful tears.

Lance:

That’s just it! I’m not a whole person. I’m only a half. Where most men have two, I have just one. I’m half a man…and it’s killing me inside!

Ashley:

Whoa, whoa, Lance, that’s not true!

Lance:

It is true! No tour de Lance victory can ever change the fact that I only have one testicle. And that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

Ashley:

Sorry, isn’t it Tour de Fra–

Lance:

Tour de Lance.

Ashley:

Right.

Lance:

I wish I could get past this. There are so many other great men in history who only had one testicle, and still achieved great things. George Washington, Paul Revere, Lao Tzu, Stevie Wonder, Thomas Mann, Albert Einstein…

Ashley:

Eleanor Roosevelt didn’t have even one.

Lance:

See? I should be able to get over this! But I can’t, and seeing you only reminds me more of my plight. You’re one half of a pair, and the two of you are joined at the hip! I mean, you played the same loveable tot on Full House! How can I look at you and still feel whole?

Ashley:

Lance, you’re an amazing athlete. You’ve dated Sheryl Crow, a champion of breast cancer awareness and known rock and roller. You have basically a shaved head, and you’re white, and no one even once has accused you of belonging to the Nazi party. You are a plastic bracelet trendsetter, and a great man. You are more than just one testicle: you are Lance Armstrong.

 

Lance:

You’re right, Ashley. I am Lance Armstrong. Say, would you like to get coffee sometime?

Ashley:

I’d love to.

End Scene.

Curtain.