Ash-Strong: Act Two

A continuation of “Ash-Strong: A Love for the Ages,” an original play by Angela.

Act 1 can be found here.

Ash-Strong: A Love for the Ages

By Angela

 

Act 2, Scene 1

The countryside

Lance sits on a rock, brooding. Next to him, on a neighboring rock, sits John Mayer.

 

Lance

John, what are we doing with our lives?

 

John

We’re succeeding, Lance.

 

Lance

Succeeding at what?

 

John

I’m a talented musician, and you’re a talented athlete. We’ve both earned recognition for our respective crafts. That’s something, isn’t it?

 

Lance

I guess it’s something. But isn’t there more?

 

John

I think I know what you’re talking about. Is it Sheryl again?

 

Lance

No! Sheryl and I are old news. It’s kind of annoying dating a musician. They’re very emotional.

 

John

Are you saying I’m emotional?

 

Lance

John, I’m pretty sure the whole world’s saying that you’re emotional. That “Your Body is a Wonderland” song? What was that?

 

John

People love that song.

 

Lance

People on Valium love that song.

 

John

Whatever, those are people. Like “Every Day is a Winding Road?” Or that “If it makes you happy” song that Sheryl has? What does that song even mean? Is she talking to herself, or is she talking to someone directly? I’ve never understood it. Is it about drugs?

 

Lance

I have no idea. We never really talked about those songs.

 

John

What did you guys talk about?

 

Lance

I don’t know…testicular cancer….bicycling….bracelets.

 

John

So, your interests.

 

Lance

What are you saying?

 

John

I’m saying maybe Sheryl wanted to talk about her interests. Like, the guitar, or those pink Yoplait yogurt lids.

 

Lance

What?

 

John

That’s how you save breasts. With yogurt lids. I’ve saved like five this week already. Women go crazy over curing breast cancer.

 

Lance

Does each lid save a new breast?

 

John

I would assume so.

 

Lance

Huh.

 

John

Yeah.

 

Lance

I guess I don’t know anything about women at all.

 

John

I do. I’ve got them figured out. That’s why I have so many hit songs.

 

Lance

Tell me your wisdom, John.

 

John

Okay. Well, first of all…girls love to think that they are beautiful “just as they are”: no makeup, no fancy clothes. Obviously this isn’t true. But you have to just say it. They eat that shit up. Just compliment them constantly.

Lance

(taking notes)

compliment…constantly…got it.

 

John

Next, tell them that when you’re not with them, you’re constantly thinking about them, and that you no longer find any other woman attractive.

 

Lance

Got it.

 

John

Then, tell them all your fears about growing older. Make it seem like you and your dad are best friends. They love that.

 

Lance

Okay.

 

John

This is just something I’ve found: don’t play your guitar all the time. It’s overdone.

 

Lance

Okay.

 

John

You should tell women you think about them when you’re bicycling. Just tell them you think about them all the time.

 

Lance

But if you do that too much, they’ll think you’re obsessive.

 

John

Yeah, you have to kind of find a balance.

 

Lance

(sighs)

What are we doing with our lives, John?

 

John

I don’t know.

 

 

End Scene.

 

 

Act 2, Scene 2

 

Ashley and Mary-Katie Olsen sit at an empty restaurant. Mary-Kate is eating Splenda packets. Ashley is forlorn.

 

Mary-Kate

What do you think about John Mayer?

 

Ashley

Douchebag.

 

 

End Scene.